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How exactly do you steal someone’s man?

March 29, 2010
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I mean besides the obvious ways.

This is one of those “if the tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound”-type, philosophical questions that I’ve seriously mulled over intermittently for years. but no matter how hard I try, I always come back to my same, original conclusion: if someone “steals” your man, he was never yours in the first place.

Right?

Okay, so in the interest of full disclosure I have to tell you that there was a point in my life when I dated a guy who was technically off limits. In my defense I was 17 at the time and honestly didn’t think there was anything wrong with dating the ex of an ex-best friend. Okay, I probably should’ve known better but that’s neither here nor there. The thing that irritated me most about the entire situation was the insinuation that I “stole” the guy from her when I honestly didn’t do anything to try to lure him. He came on to me.

For the sake of this argument though. Let’s pretend that I was never friends with his ex girl. I was a chick from two schools over who knew he had a girl and didn’t care. I came on to him anyway. They break up and two months later we’re together. That’s technically the definition of stealing someone’s man right? So is me being the innocent bystander who fell for the dude who used to date a girl I used to be friends with… we’re just as guilty?

Well that’s like the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. It kind of reminds me of scenes in movies or books when a woman who just found her man in the act of cheating goes after the other woman (whether the “mistress” knew about the man’s committed relationship or is a victim to his lies herself is anybody’s guess and doesn’t matter). It’s a lot of misplaced anger.

Why is a woman’s first thought “she stole him” instead of simply “that stingy, greedy, selfish bastard left me”?

Am I far off base? I mean seriously think about it. How can a man be stolen if he’s really into his woman and she’s taking care of home? And if your man strays, shouldn’t that tell you that he wasn’t really worth anything in the first place? You should be happy that he’s showing his true colors and you can move on… right?

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. March 29, 2010 11:38 am

    Hmmm…I get what you are saying, but I do think that it is possible to “steal someone’s man”. If a woman comes onto a man and he immediately falls for her despite having a woman at home then chances are he was just waiting for an excuse to leave. However, there are women who are much more aggressive in pursuing men in relationships. Just about any relationship has a weak area that can be exploited by an outsider who tries hard enough and I think that’s where “stealing” someone’s man comes in. Also to say “was he ever really yours to begin with” is unfair, because regardless of how effed up a relationship ends it’s not necessary to marginalize what a relationship meant to both people while they were still in it.

    Ultimately though…I think any man who can be “stolen” isn’t much of a man worth having to begin with so good riddance.

  2. Whisperin Slim permalink
    March 29, 2010 1:53 pm

    Good points but ehhh…I think its pretty simple tho. Lookin at it from a sports kind of view, and puttin the man or woman (in the relationship) in the coach’s position you have to see it like this. If I have star player who is doin their job, then why try to replace them? Or even attempt to scout for that position. The key is the fact is that there are plenty of players out there, but who works best for your team and where you are trying to go. Doing your job keeps em happy and keeps them home. And for the job description holla at your mate, only they know, and can give you your most accurate review.

  3. March 29, 2010 5:49 pm

    How do you ‘stea’l someone else’s man? If your man was weak enough to fall for me so easily, what does that say about his dedication and commitment to you? Often, women are quick to blame the other girl for ‘stealing’ their man but their beef should be with their man and not the woman. She did not ‘steal’ him, your man chose to go with her.

    However, if you are a friend of that man’s woman…then you have issues!

  4. Mr. Fantastic permalink
    March 29, 2010 8:18 pm

    Very interesting, this should get heated in a second.

    I’d like to start by pointing out that is actually degrading to yourself to say “If he fell for me, then it wasn’t that strong of a relationship.” Because the implication, whether you mean to or not, is that you’re not much of anything, there for you were the least of temptations for the man in question. I feel from the conversations I’ve been able to have with you college-educated, career women that you are a bit more of a catch than just “lil’ ol’ me”, but that’s for another convo.

    Secondly, I think its really only stealing if he leaves his girl BECAUSE he wants to be with you. But if their relationship deteriorates and you just happened to be the girl he calls, then its fair game. To slim’s sports anology, if you get cut from a team and another team signs that player to a contract, you can’t be mad.

    Next, to Reecie’s point, I think that if the woman is the aggressive sell, then it is stealing. If you’re playing devil’s advocate for every small problem in a guy’s relationship, it can SEEM bigger than it really is. This is unfair to the natural course of the relationship which the to IN the relationship to make the decision on whether the problems can be worked out or not.

    Finally, if you can make a dude leave his girl for you, what’s keeping him from leaving for the next chick ??

  5. April 8, 2010 4:37 am

    I don’t actually think it’s possible to steal another woman’s man for most of the reasons that have already been addressed. However, I also think that despite this, there are always going to be women who will try.
    So then again, it goes back to how the man reacts. I don’t understand getting pissed off at the other woman over your idiot boyfriend/husband for doing the cheating. But I have had women in the past openly tell me they were going to try and get my boyfriend. That happened twice, and each time all I could think was:
    ‘how many episodes of 90210 have you memorized to think this is an appropriate way to speak to another human being?’
    Cool post though, it does raise an interesting question. Fundamentally though, if a man cheats, he wasn’t stolen-he chose to cheat. He also chose to be in the relationship. I think we should stop thinking of relationships in terms of property arrangements, and more in terms of conscious decisions and choices we are making to being in them.
    This is my first time to your blog, I really like it.

  6. April 14, 2010 12:46 pm

    girl always get blamed. always. so stupid. girls are stupid

  7. Ms Sexy Kay permalink
    January 2, 2011 6:48 pm

    very good post and all the comments were good, it is crazy cause im kinda in something write now and i dont want to take anyones man but my friend is so unhappy and his girl is not doing what she should be doing to keep him happy but i allways think will he cheat on me like he does her

  8. Blahblah permalink
    March 21, 2011 8:40 am

    Women who pursue men who are knowingly in a relationship are pathetic. There is absolutely no excuse for it. You shouldn’t allow yourself to fall for a man who you know is with someone. Just imagine how you would feel if a man that you love was cheating on you? That simple. If a man can easily cheat like that, he wasn’t worth being with in the first place. I would blame both the man and the woman but only if she knew he was taken. Not knowing is a different story.

  9. bvbnk permalink
    August 28, 2011 1:18 am

    I think it’s perfectly normal to fall for someone who is “taken”. It’s the course you take after you realize your feelings that matters. If it’s obvious the guy like you back, then you should talk to him, and tell him you need him to make a decision. This way you avoid cheating, and anyway, it’s the most honest way to go about I think. The other thing you can do is forget about him, but thatz’s not always a viable option, and I don’t know many people who can be that selfless.
    And this attitude that if the guy leves his girlfriend he isn’t worth being with anyway and how do you know he won’t do the same to you makes no sense. Most relationships end for some reason. If he leaves his gf it’s probable that the relationship had other problems as well. Yes, maybe he will leave you, but you take that chance even if you get in a relationship with someone who’s never been in one.
    Of course, if you are the one being left you’re gonna hurt and so you’ll feel (an at least) somewhat irrational level of hatred/anger for the ‘other woman’. But I’ve been in both shoes and after a while you can even really like the other girl. After you’re over all the hurt.

  10. bubblyB permalink
    July 12, 2012 12:21 am

    I feel like if he’s her ex then in both the real and hypothetical situations there’s nobody in the wrong because there’s nothing wrong with him dating other people because they aren’t even together anymore. If she was your friend it might be a different story but you wrote that she was your EX best friend (although of course maybe she just got demoted to being a regular friend) so there’s nothing to worry about and the ex was mad for no good reason.

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