Skip to content

Ask the Cereal Daters: He won’t commit

March 31, 2010

Dear Cereal Daters,

I’ve been dating this guy over the past couple of months, we were FRIENDS but once feelings were exposed we’ve been “working towards a relationship” ever since. It’s been a while now, and honestly I’m on the verge of just giving it up and walking away. He says he’s confused now, and isn’t really sure he’s ready for a relationship, but he sure doesn’t seem confused when we’re intimate. I don’t know what could be holding him back from a committed relationship with me (unless he’s still hung up on his ex) I feel like I’m kind of in a dilemma…Should I hang around and wait (even longer), or should I just give up hope of a relationship between us all together? If so, how do I give the relationship aspect up without losing the friendship?

Suzie Helpme

Kerry Crenshaw: Men are simple. If a man wants to be with you, he’ll be with you and there’s nothing confusing or uncertain about that. Focus on the bottom lines. Don’t factor in all the extra “but maybe,” “what ifs,” and “what abouts.” All of that doesn’t matter if at the end of the day he’s still saying “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know” usually just means “no” anyway and in the rare instances it’s an actual “I don’t know,” he’ll figure it out quickly when he sees that he’s losing you. And he can only see that when you pull back and remain steadfast.This doesn’t mean cut him off from you completely, just the goodies (esp. sex) and all the extras you were doing for him because you thought you were working toward a relationship.

Remember:There are no easy answers and you can’t be mad if he leaves you alone.

As far as the friendship goes, you jeopardized that once you became intimate. You can still be cool, but things will never be the same, especially if he decides he doesn’t want you, you’ll have to keep your distance until your feelings die.

Grace Adler: Let him go, and don’t give him any reason to believe you will give him another chance. Hanging on to a guy that you have feelings for will only hurt YOU in the long run. If you cut him off completely you will give him time to think and most importantly miss you. And when he realizes what he’s been missing, he will come to you. I know it may be hard to do this but men are simple a little time and space is all they need.

Silent Scorpion: Sounds like horrible timing. From what I can tell he just got out of a relationship and isn’t ready to commit to you. He’s probably not going to change his mind anytime soon so there is no reason to wait around.  If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you.  Unfortunately since you’ve been intimate and because you have desires that are not being returned, the two of you cannot be friends at the moment. You cannot turn your feelings off so the best thing you can do right now is take some time away from each other. That doesn’t mean all is lost, depending on how long you’ve been friends, you can rebuild your friendship in the distant future. Til then, all intimate relationships need to be cut off immediately. Good luck girl.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Mr. Fantastic permalink
    March 31, 2010 12:20 pm

    He’s NOT confused when you’re intimate because there’s the distinct possibility that the two ideas are separate for him. Sex might be just that, sex. Not a tie to relationship prospects. However, he might be hesitant because he might not want to risk the chance of losing a good friend by moving any further. There’s the notion that there is little risk to a “Friends with benefits” relationship as opposed to a BF/GF relationship. I am a proponent of being forward, not quite full ultimatum, but express to him that you’re uncomfortable with not having definition to what you guys are doing. As your FRIEND, he should be able to understand that and want to help you out. If not he probably wasn’t that good of a friend, nor a relationship prospect any way.

    I do say that because you know about a possible hang up that if he gives you some clarity into what’s holding up a decision that you don’t press, it makes the relationship forced and unnatural and that usually doesn’t last.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: