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How to break up with me

October 28, 2010

There’s no nice way to tell someone you’re no longer interested. Some people argue that these conversations are best had in person, but I disagree. If you have something that I don’t want to hear, as in you’re no longer feeling me, do me a favor, don’t break up with me in person.

Depending on what kind of relationship we had, you may not even have to call. Here are some rough guidelines I use when I let someone know the feeling isn’t mutual.

0 DATES – No Answer

I don’t owe you anything. I may or may not have been interested in getting to know you when I gave you my phone number. I’ll just ignore your phone calls until you stop calling. If you call more than 3 times, I’ll send you a text message: It was nice meeting you but I’m no longer interested.

1-4 DATES – Text Message

We made some type of connection at some point in time so the least I can do is give you a heads up. If I think you’re a real cool guy, I’ll say we can be friends. But, I only say that to people I seriously want to be friends with. Otherwise, I’ll tell you I don’t think we’re compatible and should no longer see each other.


This way you get a chance to ask me whatever it is you want. I’ll answer honestly because we’ve been seeing each other for a while and I was really feeling you. But, I found some small annoying trait you posses and I can’t stand you anymore I don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe we dated for several months and we both knew it was coming to end, maybe we went out 5 times and I wasn’t sure.


Unless we took the big leap together, I don’t feel the need to break up with you in person. The only reason these people deserve the respect of a face to face break up, is because I’ll have to return the ring and/or move out I really had/have strong feelings for them. I want them to see me cry because I’m hurting too. Breaking up is always hard to do, sometimes harder for the break-er.

I’m not saying this method works for everyone and I’m sure someone will call me cold and to them I say, “What’s cooler than being cool.”

The reason I’m an advocate for over the phone break ups is that if I do want to cry, its behind the confines of my own doors. I don’t have to look into your eyes and ask if you’re serious. I won’t be able to grab the closest sharp object and pull a Lorena Bobbit because you’re telling me you’re leaving me for my less attractive acquaintance. I’ll end the call with you, call up my girls and have a major bitch session about how you weren’t any good anyway. Including a detailed account of the times where I faked O after O after O…Don’t judge me, this is how I’m going to heal.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Jane permalink
    October 28, 2010 9:17 am

    I wrote a little entry about your blog this morning.
    Hope it sends you some more traffic.

    It has me thinking……

  2. Mr. Fantastic permalink
    October 28, 2010 9:21 am

    Why does it always turn out after you broke up with a guy you were dating for 2 years that his swipe was little and he ain’t have no stroke and you faked more O’s than an Oprah impersonator?

    What if guys did this?

    “Yeah dog, I ain’t even bust, so I just threw some yogurt on her back”


    Otherwise I agree with your post

    • Grace Adler permalink*
      October 28, 2010 9:54 am

      Lmao @ throwing yogurt on her back. But sometimes you gotta talk shit to make yourself feel better. I’m sure you don’t beat yourself up about your ex saying things like “damn that was the best i’m ever gonna get” lol

  3. October 28, 2010 9:56 am

    I would prefer to get a text message breaking up than a phone call or in person. Just spare me the whole drama of it all…if things don’t work out, oh well better luck next time. I can tolerate an in person meeting or a phone call though.

    • October 28, 2010 10:01 am

      you can or you can’t tolerate?

      • October 28, 2010 10:32 am

        I can. I’d rather breakup over text, but I understand that most people still prefer face to face so I’m not an a-hole about it.

  4. October 29, 2010 9:04 am

    Faking Os? smfh…

  5. November 4, 2010 3:29 pm

    Found you via Jane – I think you are right – to be honest I would rather do it all by text message or carrier pigeon or something less personal than in person. If was the person being dumped any format is fine with me but given my personal experience being the ender for an engagment – in person is just all kinds of ugly


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