APPLICATION TO DATE/MARRY MY [FRIEND]
This application was written by Savi Pearl formally known as Ms. Crabby Cancer after a large group of us found out (through Facebook) that one of our dear friends was engaged to be married. Because we did not know the soon to be Mr., we all had questions. Questions Savi Pearl was able to vocalize on paper.
Here is her note in it’s entirety:
Some of the content has been changed to protect the identity of the writer and to serve a broader population.
Upon my discovery of the news, I engaged (no pun intended) in several conversations with my [friends]. We all agreed that this lucky man, upon our introduction to him, will be scrutinized to ridicule and interrogation. I then began to wonder, “How, in our hectic lives, can my [girls] and I keep in contact to ensure that the respective man that any of us are involved with is the correct one?” The result is this application. Please understand that I only want my [girls] to be with the best man for them, thus, the application process is highly selective, and several applicants may not get past question three. But hey, if you want to get with my [girls,] you need to be top quality, so try to do better. Please read on (there are twenty questions,) leave comments and suggestions if you like, but understand…this application comes from a place of love.
Birthday:_____________________________________________ (If born [10 years before she was born,] just go ahead and stop right here Pops, unless you have a credit score of over 800 for all three credit reporting agencies)
1.) What is your highest level of education?_____________________________
(If below a Bachelors Degree, please STOP, unless you have a credit score of over 800 for all three credit reporting agencies)
2.) What is your current occupation?_______________________________
(Please note, you will need to submit two paystubs to verify full time or part time employment. All paid amounts must include a comma in their total)
3.)What is your credit score?
(Please note, anything less than an 800 is subject to further review. If you have ABOVE an 800, skip down to the bottom! You are PRE-APPROVED! All we need to do is make sure that you can match your clothes correctly and speak using proper English. Also, please list the names of 20 of your single friends who have the same credit score as you…there are people waiting to meet them).
4.) Are you associated with any Greek organizations? If so, which one?__________________________________
5.) In your opinion, who is prettier?
a. Jessica Alba
b. Tyra Banks
c. Taye Diggs
(If you responded (a) or (b) to this question, SLAP YOURSELF IN THE MOUTH! The correct answer is [Insert Any One of My [[Girl’s] Names]. If you responded (c), you might not like any of my [girls] for that matter, because we all have ovaries).
6.) Whose comeback album are you anticipating more?
a. Wu Tang Clan
(If you responded (a), you might be a little too thuggish to kick it with my [girl.] If you responded (b), you might have a little too much freak in you to kick it with my girl, but then again, I know some who wouldn’t mind…If you responded (c), you just might make it, but don’t get your hopes up).
7.) When you see the word “karat”, you automatically think
a. Someone misspelled the vegetable name
b. Bugs Bunny
c. I’m hungry
(If you chose any of these, just stop filling out the application…seriously)
8.) Some essential items to have for a romantic date are
a. Sand, the sound of waves hitting the shore, starlight, moonlight
b. A happy meal box, a toy that won’t choke children under the age of three, a coupon
c. Whatever currency is in my [Friend’s] purse
(If you chose (a), it may work, but anytime I smell sand, I have a sudden urge to start reciting…If you chose (b) or (c)…get out)
9.) Please write the make, model and year of your current mode of transportation
(If the answer to this question is Los Angeles MTA 2008…you already know what I am going to say)
10.) Do you have any collections listed on your credit report? Yes No
(If you chose yes, please stop filling out this application and set up a payment plan. Call us back when you get yo’ ‘ish together. If you owe someone else, you might end up owing me too, and we cannot have that. I’ll cut ya!)
11.) Are you close with your mother? Yes No
12.) Are you so close to your mother that her room is down the hallway from yours because you still live with her? Yes No
(If you answered yes to this question and you are a grown ass man, get a UHaul in 30 days and get on…and please don’t try to flip it and say that you are taking care of her, because we have all heard that one before. She’s waiting for you to leave).
13.) Do you have any kids? Yes No
(If you do have children, please make sure that they are well behaved, and even then, your acceptance is on a case by case basis. Each [girlfriend] has a personal preference that they must exercise)
14.) Can you read…….Tolstoy’s War and Peace and identify the main idea and universal theme of the text as related to two other Russian novelists from his era? Yes No
(I just had to be OWT on the fourteenth question, for da club and the major!)
15.) Can you define the term 401(k)? Yes No
a. If you can define the term, do you have one? Yes No
b. If you have one, how much is in it?_________________________
16.) Are you a midget/vertically challenged person? Yes No
(If you are a midget, please note that you are limited to ace clubs only, and even then you may not have a chance)
17.) Have you ever, or will you ever, have a grill on your teeth, but no gas in your car? Yes No
18.) Are you funny? Yes No
a. If you are funny, are you sure people are laughing with you and not at you? Yes No
19.) Do you brush down your baby hair? Yes No
(If you respond yes to this question, the 24 Hour fitness on Slauson is hiring…please refer to 24 NO NO’S Note)
20.) Do you know the significance of this year for [African American as a people]? Yes No
(If you marked No, you fail! Please reapply in 2108)
AND THE OH SO IMPORTANT QUESTION 21
21.) Do you enjoy the show “America’s Most Wanted”? Yes No
(If you respond yes to this question, is the reason you like the program because you are often the star of the show? If no, you’re ok. If yes…ummm…we are no longer accepting applications for this position. Please reapply in sixth months with a drug test, a parole officer and a note from your local church saying that they trust you with the collection plate.)
Of course, gentlemen, each application is subject to approval of my [friends], so you may get by on a pass…but probably not…
Silents Note: I wonder how many men could actually fill this application out completely. It’s funny because a lot of the response she got from this application was from men asking if we could answer the same questions. Which is actually a good question to consider when using this application.