Who’s To Blame?

I was catching up with my girl about this Non M*Factor aka The Situationwho I stopped dating shortly before moving to NY. She told me something about him that made me die in laughter. Apparently, The Situation has been telling her that he misses me (bullshit!). Apart of me would like to know the motive behind his interactions with her, and the other part of me doesn’t care. Since this “conversation” between the two of them occurred on twitter, my girl advised me to check it out. With a simple click of a bubble, I was able to see everything he was saying about me.

Allow me to highlight some points:

The Situation: [Silent] doesn’t love me anymore. (Correct!)

The Situation: [Silent] is too hard to read. (The feeling is mutual)

Then my girl went on to tell him that she doesn’t really like him as a person because of some of the stories I told her about him.

The Situation: Funny how the friend automatically not like someone because of something they heard.

So who’s fault is it that she doesn’t like him?

As my best friend, she heard all the biased stories. All she heard was my side so I can admit, yes they were biased BUT I do not control her feelings. If there is one more (its more like 10 after that incident he pulled at my homegirls party) that don’t like him because of the way he treated me, that’s not my problem. I don’t tell my friends how to process my life.

Granted, I could have handled some things differently. When I was into him, I kept some stories to myself. I did. At the very moment I decided I didn’t see myself with him, that’s when I told my girls everything. And I mean everything. The bad and the worse.

After some much needed growing, I realize that wasn’t the most mature thing to do and I’ve vowed never to share that much detail with anyone. You’ve probably noticed that I keep more of my personal business to myself than I did before, hence why I am on hiatus from writing about my dating life in NY. From Twitter to this blog, its my business and I’m going to keep it that way.

But this, this I wanted to share because I really want to know, who’s to blame when a friend doesn’t like the ex after a relationship comes to an end? Hypothetically, if they had become friends during our courtship, should they then break off their friendship once ours had ended?

The New Me: Look At Me Now

After nearly four weeks of no contact, EBM decides tonight is the night to make  the call. There had been a few conversations since he’d met her a couple of months ago but an actual date never transpired. The duo had an undeniable chemistry at the first meeting but life (The Situation) just kind of got in the way.

The phone rings a few times before EBM hangs up, defeated. He leaves no voicemail. But to his surprise, my name appears in his caller ID seconds later. I was deciding whether or not I should answer EBM’s call considering so much time had passed, but I decided a few weeks ago to not over think anything these next few months, so I called him back.

We fall right back into our sarcastic exchange regarding out respective M.I.A.ness before we began with formalities. First I found out about his latest developments and then it was my turn.

EBM: So, what’s new with you?

Me: I’m moving to New York and I’m gonna be an aunt in a few months. I’m so excited to be an aunt!

*I really played my previous statement down. I’m not one into a big production with strangers. It was already an awkward conversation to begin with. Plus I really am excited to be an Aunt!*

EBM: [long pause] Wait what?! You’re moving to NY?

Me: Yeah. I’m going to NYU in the fall for my masters so I want to get settled in by August.

*After he gets over the initial shock, he goes in on me.*

EBM: So how do the guys you’re dating feel about your move?

Me: [now I’m caught off guard] Well I’m only dating one and I’m not really concerned with how he feels. We’re not that serious and I didn’t make this decision with him in mind.

We spend the next 10 minutes dissecting my relationship with The Situation [which is another blog for another time.] I lay it all out there. Nothing but honestly followed. The truth is, me and The Situation have come to an unspoken agreement, although people around us expect us to take the next step and become a couple, we don’t see each other like that. We’re comfortable spending lot’s of time together but know we could never commit to each other. And now that I’ll be moving cross country in a few months, we’re just hanging out.

Knowing this, EBM and I still feel like we should get to know each other before I leave BUT we agreed that once I left, that would be it. Neither of us are interested in long distance anything.

The old me would have talked myself out of spending time with both The Situation and EBM. But the old me also wouldn’t quit my job (in 2 months), sell my car and move to NY to pursue my dream. We can all agree that the old me stood in the way for too long. The new me is enjoying life and not taking anything not related to my career too seriously. I promise to blog more these next several weeks before I leave. Should be exciting to document my last few weeks in the sunny LA.

How have you guys been lately? Any exciting developments you would like to share? Meet me in the comment section.

How do I know you?

I’m out at a concert and this tall, cute stranger with an even cuter smile grabs my arm.

Him: Hey I know you!
Me: Hey I know you too! […from Facebook]
Him: You’re Kerry!
Me: You’re Jason!

I know his name is Jason and he used to go to USC [I’d later find out he transferred there from Maryland], and I know I know him from a long time ago but I still don’t know how or why [Damn you Facebook news feed!] I also don’t know why, if ever we were friends, I let him slip through my fingers. I just bumped into him 25 seconds ago and I already wanted to lick him like Tisha Campbell did old boy in School Daze. Nasty.

Him: How have you been?
Me: Good, good, really good [I stammer when I’m flustered]… wait, how do we know each other?
Him: Uh I don’t know actually. I got your number at a club in L.A. or something.

No you didn’t. I remember all the tall sexy men I meet and I don’t remember you.

Me: No you didn’t. That’s not how I know you…
Him: Look…
And I kid you not when I say this, this beautiful man (gotta keep stressing how cute he was) pullss out his cell phone and shows me my name (first and last, with Kerry spelled correctly) and number in his contacts… only it’s my number from like four years ago. What. The. Fuck?

Now this is the point where shit is supposed to have gotten weird but nothing a tall cutie does is ever weird, it’s just flattering and/or adorable. I mean honestly, all that revelation did was make it that much easier to give him my new number. We end up talking for a while at the show, hanging out, playing around, flirting etc. The next day he texts me:

Him: I just realized something. I actually met you in D.C.
Me: When? Are you sure?

Now I go to DC a lot BUT I never met anyone memorable on ANY of the trips so now I’m super intrigued. He’s telling me about a time I went out there during college, mutual friends we have on FB, places I’ve been… but never with him. Apparently I went to one of his basketball games in undergrad (totally remember that, I tagged along to Maryland game with friends), then there was an Alpha party (totally remember that, that’s where I met Mike who’s still the homie to this day), then there was an after party in Lonnie’s apartment. Now Lonnie? That’s a gorgeous man never to be forgotten! Every time I go to D.C. I run into him. Any time any of my girls have gone… they run into him. He gets around to say the least. I never dipped or dabbled though. I was never that kind of girl…

But wait a minute, I remember all of the cast of characters but still can not place Jason.

Me: Who was I with?
Him: I don’t remember, I just remember you [ha that was cute, player shit. Take note!]

I’m standing with my girl Shannon who was with me that night five or six years ago. She’s jogging my memory. “Remember we’d been drinking and we got pulled over by the police?” Definitely remember that, Shannon wasn’t even 21 yet, we were so afraid. “And we were with Mark and Evan. We went up to Maryland after that Alpha party and all those Kappas were there.” [He’s not a Kappa though] Ok ok shannon but do you remember this dude Jason? “The tall cute one? I remember him but his name wasn’t Jason was it?” she says. Already knowing what’s up, I respond “No you’re thinking of fine ass Lonnie, I’m talking about this one.” ::Flips Macbook around to face her:: She peruses his FB page for a few minutes. “He’s really cute, but he definitely was not there,” she says.

We concluded that I might have met him, but he was not nearly as cute as he is now. All I know is, he’s fine, he’s interested in me, and I may or may not have played him in 06…. but damn it, I’m ready to make up for all that now! *Muah*

**Please note that all names, universities, cities, etc. have been changed to protect anonymity.

Man that is one sexy man…you see all that talent!

I think I’m standing alone on this island that thinks fair skinned, red haired, freckle faced Blake Griffin is attractive.

*Crickets*

Yeah I thought so. After a group chat with Kerry and Grace I had to re-evaluate my tastes. Not change them per se but acknowledge what makes a man attractive in my eyes. And for the most part, it has hardly anything to do with physical characteristics. The last guy that had (still has) my heart skip a beat when we talk is will not be found on the cover of Essence magazine alongside Idris Alba and Boris Kodjoe. He is 6 foot 4 ½ but weighs a little less than me, has bad acne and wears thick glasses that put mine to shame. When I first met him I was mostly attracted to:

1. Our Conversation. We could talk and talk and talk for hours on end without as much as a pause. I remember a few weeks ago in Vegas I had the same thing happen. I met a guy and we just clicked so, I thought he was cute. After what I felt was a short convo, my girls pulled me away. Them: “He is not cute!” Me: What?! Yes he is. Them:  “You’re tripping.”
2. His Ambition. If a man excels at his field and is enthusiastic about it, I’m in. I guess this explains my obsession for Blake Griffin. I can appreciate his talent and love for the game.

How can I gauge these things within just a few minutes of knowing someone, you may ask? Easy, I just do. I already know the kind of guys I like, and I find em. I guess I should add one more bullet point:

3. Quirky Flaw. Sometimes I can’t explain why I’m attracted to quirky looking men. I had the hugest crush on Tracy McGrady in junior high and high school all because of his droopy eyes. Yes his puppy dogs eyes were so damn cute to me. Weird to most but for me, when there is something a little off about a guy, it so cute.

To each there own right.

 

Mind of a Woman: Encounters of the Cute Man Kind

I was reading @WisdomIsMisery’s blog today (it’s a post from Tuesday so please give me a latepass) and I was inspired to actually put a few words in a post. It’s been a while so I’m a bit rusty. His post by **@RealGoesRight of  The Analyst takes you into the mind of a man contemplating approaching a woman and every thought during andin between. Allow me to give a shy woman’s version of the same interaction. I have two types of thoughts in my head at anytime and one is far more pessimistic than the other.

Picture the same scene, you’re in a grocery store and notice a cute guy. When it comes to cute guys, most likely I saw you before you saw me.

Shy Thought #1: Is he single? Where’s his girl? Can he cook? Damn he cute. I should go holla. But I’ll just keep staring at these vegetables.

Shy Thought #2: No, go talk to him. Break the ice.

ST #1: Nope. Imma stand right here frozen until he disappears and I can go get that spinach I actually came for.

ST# 2: Come on girl. Be different for once. Why do men ALWAYS have to approach you first? You’re already 6 foot tall and thats intimidating enough.

ST #1: Because that’s the way it’s supposed to be besides that’s not my style. It’s been working for this long, why change now. Plus, men hate being approached anyway.

Him: Hi.

Me: Hi.

*Awkward moment*

ST #2: Dang girl, say something else.

ST #1: I knew you were gonna freeze.

Him: I seen you from over there looking at veggies…you looked real confused.

Me: Yeah. Trying to decide if I should get broccoli or the mixed ones.

ST #1: Okay good. You came up with that lie pretty quickly. Good ish.

Him: Depends on what you like. Variety is the spice of life though…

Me: *laughs* So you’re suggesting I get the mixed veggies. You work here?

ST #1: Of course he doesn’t work here. It’s flirting! You mean ass.

Him: *looks at Me and looks at self* Hell nah!

ST #1: Oh okay. He gotta a little thug. Caute.

Me: I’m saying you over here recommending vegetables and whatnot.

ST #1: What did I tell you about that? Let him get his flirt on.

ST #2: If he has a sense of humor, he’ll laugh though, right.

ST #1: Please laugh! I’m not mean!

Him: Just trying to help YOU out.

Him: So…you here by yourself?

Me: Yeah.

ST #1: Wait you didn’t even let him get the full sentence out. Desperate much? I hope he doesn’t actually work here.

ST #1: *Looks him up and down* Naw he’s definitely flirting. Let him carry on.

Him: I’m saying, you got enough food to cook for a small village.

ST #1: *Looks in grocery cart* Dang I do have a lot of food. Should I mention I have a sister and I cook for the both of us.

St #2: Girl chill. He doesn’t need to hear your life story just yet.

Me: Can a sister get her cook on?

Him: You can do what you like. I’m sure your man appreciates the food.

ST #1:  Okay he is flirting. *phew*

ST #2: Of course he’s flirting. Now speak. You’ve been quiet for a minute

Me: He would if I had one. Is that your way of asking me if I have a boyfriend?

Him: Only if the answer to the question is no. If it’s yes, let’s just finish the conversation and I’ll let you go on about your business.

Me: *laughs* Oh. Ok. Well I don’t have one.

ST #1: I hope he didn’t see me accidentally spit a little in excitement.

ST #2: Alright cool come on. Ask me for my number!

Him: CHEA!…urr…

Me: What?

ST #1: This ninja is hella juiced.

ST #2: Glad I’m not the only one.

Him: Nothing…so…I’m not trying to keep you or anything but I think you’re cute and if it’s cool with, I’d like to give you a call later. Just to ask you how my executive decision about your veggies came out.

Me: *laughs*

ST #2: That’s not a yes. Say Yes! Speak!

Me: That’s cool. Here.

Him: Aight. Well, I’m usually in school most of the day, but I’ll give you a call either tom or the day after.

Me: Look forward to hearing from you.

ST #1: You didn’t need to say all that

Him: Looking forward to calling. Peace.

ST #2: Dang I wouldn’t mind ripping off all his clothes right now. *imagines him in his birthday suit and smiles*

Me: Later =)

ST #1: Okay that wasn’t that bad. I hope he actually calls.

ST #2: You doubted yourself for nothing. He’s going to call.

Fellas, these are pretty girl problems. No matter the woman, we get nervous too!! I am always nervous when I’m in the vicinity of a guy I think is remotely cute. And when he speaks to me, my brain freezes and I say and do dumb things. Usually, guys are so nervous themselves, they give me a chance anyway, and for that I say thank you. So the next time a girl goes out of her way to avoid eye contact, it doesn’t mean she thinks you aren’t cute, it means you might be freaking her out. [Notice I said sometimes, other times, yall are bug a boos. I can’t really give you clear signs to look for in this already long post.]

One thing is for sure, I know that men like when a girl smiles. It goes a long way. But if I’m multi tasking, my attempt at a smile usually turns into me tripping over something. I’m pretty clumsy when my nerves get to me.

If you make ME fumble, you’re IN! I’m still working on that smile. =)

——

**Correction: This post has been updated to reference the actual author. That’s what I get for trying to knock out a post in 20 minutes! —Friday, March 25 4:30pm

From A Cereal Reader: In Her Inbox

After Tuesday’s post I was starting to feel like I was one of the only women in the world going through b.s. n 2011. (I know I’m not the only one but sometimes I just feel that way.) But one of our trusty readers forwarded me a message a guy from a guy she met a while back. They had gone out once and things had fizzled. He decided now was the time to pick things up. Only he wanted to warn her about his situation:

Ok we can go out when I get my money. Until then we should have movie nights.

Discuss.

And then there was one…

In case you haven’t noticed (you probably haven’t) I (Grace) have been absent from the blog for some time.  There are plenty of reasons for my absence but if I had to choose one I say it was because I lost my muchness, mojo, swag and any other word used to describe the fuel the that keeps me writing. So I guess I’m back? Well at least for now.  Anyway, here’s a post I wrote during my little hiatus.

Editor’s Note: The guy in this post is probably the reason I stayed away from the blog for so long. I probably could write an entire blog series, novel, or made for TV movie script about our little situation. In any event this was just the beginning…

So I think I have a “Main” now. You know, the star of your squad, or whatever term dudes use to refer to the most important girl they talk to. Somehow the rest of my team was either cut or put on the injured list. I don’t know how I got to this point, well I do, but how I allowed this guy in, I’m not so sure how that happened. It’s been a long road to say the least I’ll spare you the details but just know that he started doing things that has earned him this title status:

1)      He Calls: I know it’s a small thing but with him guys you have to pay attention to the things that seem small to us but are big things to them. I mean I know I’m not as adamant about phone calls like Silent. But a call does say a lot about how a man feels about you especially this day in age with bbm, texts,twitter, and facebook.

2)    He makes future plans: Over dinner he threw out the idea of us taking a trip together, which tells me that he plans on being around for longer than just next weekend.

3)     He tells me he misses me and means it: Game recognize game, cause most guys are  quick to tell a girl this even when they don’t mean it. But something must be said for a guy who never uses the phrase.

So I guess I’m taking a page from the book of Kerry and just going with the flow. I’ve let my emotions and impatience get the best of me before with him. I have zero expectations so everything he does amazes me. 🙂

LAZY DATING 2011: My first 30 days

This year seems to be the year of the lazy ass men. In the past 30 days I have met so many men who have no problem telling me they don’t plan on putting forth any effort in getting to know me. This has resulted in me going on zero dates thus far.

Guy 1: During our first textersation (Oh how I loathe these), this guy asks me to send him a pic. I was going to give this guy a break, considering I didn’t remember what he looked like either since we met when I was leaving the club. But, I asked him to send me one too and he said his phone doesn’t take pics. I stopped replying soon after. Then he hit me the next day, “So you really not gonna send me a pic.” To which I didn’t reply.

Guy 2:  This guy offered to cook for me for our first date. First he suggested happy hour, but because it was during one of my fasts, he said that he could cook me up something a lot healthier. I know he was testing me, I just don’t have any desire to play that game right now. Okay wait, there was nothing wrong with him or his approach since he did offer happy hour first. I just wasn’t interested.

Guy 3:  This was yet another textersation. (I’ve just been too lazy to demand or make a phone call.) I had a guy tell me I had to work up to a dinner date. [insert loud obnoxious laughter and then *blank stare*] His first attempt at planning (I use that word very loosely) a date was to offer a DVD and pizza date. I told him that I don’t feel comfortable going to any man’s house that I didn’t know. He then replied, “I don’t just go giving out dinner dates. You have to work up to those.” After confirming that was he was serious, I replied with the following: “That’s really cute but I don’t need to work up to anything. Good luck with trying that line on some other girl. No need in texting me any further.”

Guy 4:  I had had a few phone conversations with this guy and he seemed cool enough. I gave him a few suggestions on different nights and for each them he already had plans. Instead of requesting one on one time, he continually invited me on outings with his friends, for example: “Meet me at [club I would never go to]. I really want to see you.” My homeboy told me this is his thought process. ” He’s thinking, she’s hot and I want to show her off. His friends will be thinking he’s gonna hit later on and if she is crazy, he won’t care.” I wasn’t interested and was tired of being the one trying to see him one on one.

*In my defense, I did offer alternatives to most of these guys. I haven’t met anyone that has captivated me enough to leave Sir Trundle (my bed), get dressed, and go anywhere. No dates so far in 2011.

*shrugs*

Uh…. Awkward…

I can be very awkward at times, especially when it comes to guys. It seems like in dating there’s always some new hurdle to tackle and I’m never equipped with the right tools to deal with the situations.

For instance, the other day my homegirl asked me about my current dating life which, sadly enough, is barely existent. All the guys who I “talk” to are so whatever and for the most part I feel like if my feelings don’t change toward them soon I might as well cut them off. All of them. But I’ve never had to do this before…

Seriously, I’ve never been talking to guys who are cute, cool, kind of funny, that I’m just not attracted to (didn’t even know this was possible, especially in this day and age where there’s a shortage of these types) ….so now what? Is it rude if I just suddenly stop answering my phone? (of course it is) Do I have to call them or send a text to say that I’m no longer interested (I’m sure that’s doing the most). Or do I just friend zone them? Tell them about this new guy I’m seeing (that’s sure to send the message/confuse the hell out of them)…

But seriously, I’m leaning toward the cold shoulder strategy, just not picking up the phone as much. Is that wrong/rude of me?

In Our Inbox

Just checked my facebook messages and some random dude sent me this. First of all, thankfully, we have zero friends in common. And second of all, how did he find me?

“DAMN UR SEXXII AZ FUCK!!
WHERE U STAY AT??
mmmmmm!! DAMN THE THNGS A SC0RPI0 W0ULD D0 2U :}”

I’m sorry, umm whaaat?!!